On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
thus making me awesome and them whores
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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