Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
