she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
