I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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