Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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