Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You're like the curious george of whores
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
