I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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