Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
