there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
