It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
