I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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