We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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