I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
