I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
