That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
