I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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