I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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