if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
