its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
