I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
