What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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