OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize