they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.