I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
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Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.