there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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