Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
