yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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