I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
