I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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