somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
