it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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