I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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