I wish I only lived at night.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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