Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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