Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
