He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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