Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
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I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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