new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
