Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
