I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
