Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
where does the pee come out of this thing
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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