Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
