Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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