No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
