i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
