Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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