Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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