What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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