yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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