Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
