my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
