Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
