I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize
