I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
