Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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