I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
